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Friendship / Liking / Loving
 It has been praised as a state of mutual affection, one of life's nobler possessions, a gift that enables us to ignore the flaws and foibles of those we favor. Appreciated more if it is lost, friendship keeps us honest, makes us confident, lifts our moods. Much has been written about friendship as a congenial union that operates irrespective of sex, color and creed. And love cannot be discussed, as it will be in this chapter, without first referring to friendship and to the inclination that touches it off: liking.
In Charlotte Brontë's novel Shirley, there is this bit of dialogue:
"Be responsible, Louis -- be patient! I like you because you are patient."
"Like me no longer, then -- love me instead."
Each of us, no doubt, has wondered about the difference between liking and loving, or we've asked whether they are actually the same. Sometimes we're not sure whether we like or love someone. Other times, when we're questioned about how we feel, we're more certain -- or at least we give that impression. "Just a friend," we say assuredly. Or, "A very close friend, no more than that." Or even, "I just love him/her, that's all, it's that simple."
Comfortable though we may be with such responses, they are not really answers at all. Actor Lee Marvin, during a recent, highly publicized suit brought against him by a woman with whom he lived for some time, touched upon the difficulty of defining a feeling of affection. In a letter, Marvin referred to his friend as "my love." The rest of the courtroom dialogue went like this:
"Was she your love?"
"No," said Marvin. "That's an English figure of speech."
"Did you want her to love you?"
"I don't think so."
"Did she tell you she loved you?"
"On occasion."
"Did you tell her you loved her?"
"On occasion."
"But you didn't really mean it, did you?"
"No."
Later, Marvin compared being in love to the fuel gauge on a car, saying that his love for the woman had never got beyond "half a tank." At one point, he added, it had been "one-quarter full, a girlfriend-boyfriend feeling."
A number of high school students were asked how they viewed liking and loving. Some of their replies are typical of the problems we all have with the answer. "Liking is when you like a friend," said one junior high school girl. "But it's not love. That's almost married." Another student said, "Liking is when you like each other and pal around together. Loving is when you do other stuff." Observed another, "Liking is not having the same feeling when you're away from a friend for a long time as you have when you're away from your lover." Said another, "When you like someone, you just hang around them for a while. When you love them, you act strange, you make out." In utter frustration, a sixteen-year-old put it this way: "Loving is not the same as liking because liking is when you like someone and loving is when you love someone."
One point should be clearly made. Just as the lines that separate the various categories of human behavior, political theory, religion and science are not always boldly drawn, so, too, is there some hesitation when it comes down to a firm definition of like and love. Our thoughts and feelings are much too intricate to be put into neat compartments, and there are all sorts of blends, shades of gray, in this world that is peopled with so many different individuals. An intensely close relationship may develop between a man and a woman. They enjoy each other's company regularly. They exchange confidences, they show concern for one another, they ignore one another's faults, they miss each other when apart. Are they simply close friends, or are they lovers? Suppose that these two have not been sexually intimate, that passion has never played a part in the relationship.
Does this mean that they do not love each other? On the other hand, what if this couple does have sex? Are they "in love"?
It is often said that we can like people a whole lot and not love them. Or even that we can love someone -- a mother or father or brother, for instance -- and still not like them very much because, maybe, they bore or embarrass us. There are, of course, no absolute answers to the questions asked above. It is not easy to firmly define like and love. Each situation must be examined carefully and thoughtfully, each individual and circumstance considered. Liking, loving and friendship are intertwined, sometimes closely, sometimes loosely. Each involves a certain feeling between people, a warmth, an affection, a mixing of minds.
Against that background of caution, it can be said that while there is a common denominator in liking and loving, there are some significant differences between the two. Some students came close to the mark. "Love is deep, liking is superficial," said one. "Loving is special, liking is not," said another. "You cannot love unless you have given part of yourself, put yourself second." Or as someone else put it, somewhat facetiously, "Love is when your boyfriend holds you in his arms and comforts you after you just smashed up his car."
Implicit in what these students have said is that liking and loving differ in strength and warmth, and in the depth of involvement.
Defining love metaphorically, as the young people and the poets and songwriters have done, is not very scientific (although perhaps describing what it feels like to be in love in nonscientific terms is sometimes as valuable, maybe more so, as trying to dissect it as you would a laboratory frog). So, with the hope that too close a look at love won't ruin the nice feeling it brings, consider, for a bit, what science has to say about love. But before beginning, be aware that not everyone agrees it's worth examining scientifically.
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